D-Bags of Match.com Revisited

While cleaning out all of my old email folders this morning I decided it was time to erase my collection of scary Match.com messages that kept my friends and I entertained for a month. But I realized I would be doing everyone a huge disservice if I didn’t take a minute to review a few of my favorite D-bags.

Here’s what: it’s hard knocks for a single on the street out there. I’m not into shaming the nice guys who may have posted an unfortunate picture or two. It took an extremely d-baggy e-mail message to make my list…and because of this, I feel totally fine including their picture. I mean, at this point, it’s  really more of a public safety issue. In fact, memorize these faces on the off-chance you should run into them on the street….and since I’m pretty sure they spend most of their waking hours snapping webcam pics….I’m counting on that being a VERY off-chance.

D-Bag #1: DeuceCoupe

Oh my god – weren’t you an extra on season 1 of 21 Jump Street? Oh no, sorry – I recognize you from my childhood babysitter’s yearbook – that’s where. God, I bet your prom date went crazy for you, because even I have to admit – that’s one hell of a ‘stache. I bet you guys had a lot of fun – sharing some good times over a few Bartels & Jaymes’, Tenax hair gel, and a can of Aquanet.

If your dance moves rival even 1 millionth of the romance you communicate through your emails, I have to wonder how you’ve managed to find yourself on Match.com all these years later….

“My dearest woman ~ I actually am a man that loves to give and has the lifestyle to support it. i know that in this life there is someone already picked out for me but i have to search her out because she wont come to seek for a man she is there to seek a woman.”

…Ahem… (this is awkward)….

a.) I think you might be drunk and b.) reading that again, it sounds like you’re looking for a lesbian  – and I have to tell you – if so, this whole dating thing is going to be a very long, uphill battle for you. It may hold the key to why you’ve been on match.com for like, 25 years.

 Until you fire up the Spandeau Ballet and take some extended solo slow dance time to puzzle this one out DoucheCoupe, no one wins here.

 

D-Bag #2: Ethnic_Jock

Email subject line: “Confident but not arrogant”

Really? Because your expression is screaming, “arrogant but not confident”.

“Dear Mandymaude, You look young for you age? Are these pictures current? I have no time for games, and physical appearance is a dealbreaker for me. My pictures are current. I have been told that I look young for my age. Good genetics as well as physical exercise have allowed me to look somewhat younger than my age.”

I’m going to go out on a very long,  unsturdy limb and say it’s mostly been the physical exercise, because  it looks like the most dominant trait passed down your genetic line was a rather severe case of Claw Hand – so severe in fact, that its progressed into the even rarer Fist Hand.  PS – have we engaged in a contest for the most number of times we can say “young for my age” I didn’t know about?  Well challenge accepted! I love a good duel, so put your dukes up! Oh god….I’m so sorry Fist Hands….that came out wrong….

 

D-bag #3: TS081573

Ok, truth be told, this guy said absolutely nothing to lead me to believe he was a d-bag. I just thought you might be as shocked as I to find out that the guy from “Perfect Strangers” has a son who’s been sending out his senior picture all over Match.com

 

 

D-Bag #4: Crystallizer

I’m going to ignore the fact that the angle of your photo forces me to feel like a tiny, weak victim of sexist domination. A footstool is probably not a safe place for a webcam. See, there’s this thing called a desk – oh, it’s probably what your computer is sitting on…

“Looking for a life time lab partner…

I am seeking my soulmate I would like to find someone that is into science, especially if it is chemistry or astronomy. If you could go on a date in a chemistry lab, that would be fun. I have a 2 year degree in electronics. I have taken general chemistry. I volunteered doing water testing in the bolsa chica conservancy. I have worked as a chem lab tech. I would really like to meet a radio astronomer. What are your hobbies? Here’s an abbreviated list of some of my favorites: seinfeld /sliders/ charmed /NOVA /south coast plaza /KOST/the wave/ purple/ formals/ costumes/ pics/ roller coaster tycoon/ basic stamp chip/ vex robotics/ robots /LEGO / project runway…”

Well, up to this point, I had a lot of things to snicker about, but nothing to really qualify him as a D-Bag. Unfortunately for Crystallizer, he made the oft-commited mistake of including a little too much information for his own good.  When I read that LEGOs were a hobby, did I find myself wondering what amazing creations this man of science must be building? Of course I did – and I happily realized he had included pictures…however, upon further investigation, in place of the intricate DNA replicas and motorized life-sized LEGO robots I thought I was sure to find, I was presented with this…

Listen, I’m no radio astronomer Crystallizer, but as it turns out we do have one thing in common: once upon a time, I put this together using the 7-step directions on the inside of the box as well! The only difference is that I was a 6-year-old. Not a 42-year-old science enthusiast with a 2-year degree in electronics. The thing that really gets me here is that he looked through his extensive LEGO collection and THESE were the pictures he decided to post? The cream of the LEGO creation crop?? I think its time to upgrade that 2-year degree from the Children’s Learning Institute and send away for the workbooks to complete your Bachelor’s. It’s never too late. Dream big.

 

D-Bag #5: Redthunder007

Last, and definitely least {safe} we have Redthunder007 – the special man who confirmed for me that match.com was not only a huge waste of my time, but also a major safety compromise.

You’re probably looking at this picture thinking, “oh no – I hope she doesn’t say anything too mean about this poor man who looks like a little bearded and bespeckled turtle poking his neck out of his little grandpa polo shell.” I know. Precisely what you were thinking.

Well hang on Sloopy. Hang. On. Because after a quick check of my inbox, it become all too clear that Grandpa-sweet-turtle-face had taken a few pages out of the How to Turn on your Grandpa-Sweet-Turtle-Face to Disguise your Creepy Pedophile Roots Handbook.

He intro’d with a very long, very uncomfortable, anxiety-producing paragraph about my physical attributes. I’ll spare you the details, because frankly, having myself described as “young and fertile-looking” was a scary chapter in my match history that I don’t ever feel like revisiting.

Other than that entire paragraph, the creepiest thing about his email was that he never completely came out of his creepy shell. The whole thing was covered by one huge  vague, veiled cloak of creepiness. {shiver.} The creepiest kind…

“For fun, I enjoy quality time together, being comfortable just talking to each other and no one else.” 

Um hello, does no one else recognize this line from a made-for-TV movie starring Tori Spelling?

 

“My favorite places are wherever we can both can feel comfortable.”

Again, this is on Lifetime Television for Women at 2pm PST everyday.

“Walking in the rain, talking about the day’s events. Talking about how to make a positive difference in the world. Creating our own Private Dialect that no one else understands.”

Good move, that way when someone yells “Stop” “No” or “Don’t” you have an out – “I have no idea what you’re saying – you know I understand nothing except our own Private Dialect.”

Thank God for that freshman year in the dorms when I watched “Daddy May I Sleep with Danger” on sleepless nights.

Congratulations Redthunder007 – you are the James Bond of pervs.

And congratulations to you as well, reader. You’ve made it through my list of Match.com D-bags – should you ever decide you are desperate enough to pay money to spend hours of your time reading emails that have the power to make you feel awkward even in the privacy of your own home – you at least know who to look out for. Or who to run out and search for – all zero of you 80’s-enthusiast lesbians looking for a man to date.

If you’ve survived this and STILL haven’t had your fill of d-bags, be sure to check out the original post.

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Comments
One Response to “D-Bags of Match.com Revisited”
  1. Becky Midden says:

    I just spit a little cause I was laughing so hard, making me as equally awkward and scary as the said D-Bags listed above. Good stuff!

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