Questions for Jesus

Due to the cost of high traffic market area advertising, Jesus actually shares the other side of this billboard with Chick-Fil-A

Driving through Central Ohio today I noticed this sign by the side of the road – “GET READY JESUS IS COMING SOON”

My first thought was…completely inappropriate.

My second thought was “Jesus is coming at…12:55? Or is that giving everyone a 5 minute heads up?” (shoulder shrug)

My third thought was “It would be awesome if all the locals know that that was actually erected by a guy named Jesús and he goes and stands out there on his lunch break every day just to make some new friends.”

My fourth thought was “You’d think someone could mend the hole and slap a fresh coat of paint on that sign every once in awhile…ya’ know, for Jesus’ sake.”

It made me feel like that sign’s been there awhile. Is that Jesus’ regular spot? Does he show up there every Sunday at 12:55, aluminum folding chair in hand, complete with a mounted shade umbrella for steamy afternoons – like a one-man farmer’s market…except…it would be a….Jesus….market….? I don’t subscribe to any kind of organized religion at the moment, but I definitely don’t have anything against Jesus, and that’s how I’d like to picture him. Just super chill – hanging out in the corner of a field on his folding chair – one leg crossed over the other in a slightly feminine manner – just whistling, waiting, and kicking his foot up and down (because Jesus probably has occupational stress-related Restless Leg Syndrome. I would.) In fact, just in case – just in an attempt to “get ready” I actually have some questions for Jesus – because that’s what I’d really like to do if I saw him sitting there – just get out in that field and rap…

“Jesus loves everyone – except child actors. Fair statement?”

“I brought this pair of Tevas with me…any chance you’d like to trade them for your sandals so I can sell them on Ebay…?…”

“On a scale of 1-10…how cool is the smoking Indonesian baby?! Now that’s a kid to invite to The Last Supper. I bet he tells some damn funny dirty jokes.”

“I’ve been working on this theorem…it might be a postulate…I don’t know – I don’t know the difference…but I think I might be on to something with it: IF Jesus can turn water into wine, THEN Jesus = Charles Shaw. Yes?”

“I’ve heard that a scroll with the 11th commandment, “Thou shalt not watch ‘Everbody Loves Raymond’ because its lame and riddled with abrasive stereotypes” has been hidden in one of the mustaches of John Stossel, Alex Trebek, or Geraldo Rivera…can we get a confirmation?”

The 11th Commandment Trifecta - bound in a mustache brethren...and if those mustaches could talk...

“If a genie granted you three wishes would your first one be for a neverending bowl of Lucky Charms? Because if so, we have A LOT more in common than I thought.”

“Have you ever faced a tough decision, consulted your WWJD bracelet and then laughed to yourself about the irony? I bet you have!”

“Do you know the Macarena…?………..prove it…….…..”

“Roughly how many homeboys would you say you had at last count…?”

“Hypothetical: you just tried out for Jesus Christ Superstar…obviously, you nailed it (ba dum bum CHING!) – but the part goes to Chris Klein because he’s so flaming hot right now…is Jesus above a Tonya Harding style baton to the knee? Answer truuuuthfully – you’re Jesus…!”

“I don’t like to toot my own horn Jesus, but I sing a mean version of Like a Prayer…if you got in on that I believe that we could blow the top off of  Tuesday karaoke nights. How about it?  First beer’s on me…”

“Based on Season 2, Episode 5 of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, I believe 9-year-old Gia not only to be a racist, but probably also the Devil incarnate…thoughts?”

"The power of Christ compels you! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

Yup. Just me, Jesus, and a field. That’s how problems get solved. That’s how the real questions would get answered. After all we’d been through in the field, I think at some point I’d even tell him the dirty joke that came to mind when I read his sign. I’m pretty sure he would high-five me for that one. Up high Jesus.


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One Response to “Questions for Jesus”
  1. Mike Boozer says:

    Nice post, I like the site

    -Mike Boozer,

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