Promising developments in the age-old dog vs. postman struggle…

Greeting cards give me a lot of anxiety. I am standing in my favorite adult hiding place (Target) trying to figure out how I can make one of the “only 99 cents!” cards funny and situationally-appropriate (because I’m just that cheap). Can I make this card that has “Happy Healing” in band-aids look like its clear purpose was to celebrate a birthday…? “This can work. I’ll just make a joke about how drunk she’s gonna get – perfect, the inside’s blank!” All too quickly I give this up after letting the idea settle for a minute and coming to grips with the fact that my friends are not stupid. This is taking too long, I am trying too hard, and I have the nagging feeling that I am definitely going to have to move up to the $2.25 extra-lame, middle-of-the-road section – when what to my card-wandering eyes should appear…   

*Actual Photograph

“FOR DAD,” “FOR DAD – FROM SON,” “FOR GRANDPA – FROM SON-IN-LAW’S STEPSON,”……..what, the…. “FROM THE DOG”  I rub my eyes like I have just seen a vision of Luke Wilson eating donuts frosted with peanut butter amidst this greeting card display. (Incidentally, I see this vision often. He waves at me to come over and join him in a conversation about independent films, casually announces “I’m just gonna go ahead and unbutton the top button on my pants for a little breathing room,” and then points out our exact location on a floating translucent AT&T global coverage map).  

Cards…from your dog. You buy them…and you sign them…from your dog. I’m having an awakening in the middle of Target – I’ve been walking around for 30 years completely unaware  of my dog’s deep sentiments. Clearly, Cesar Millan’s gifts have not gone unnoticed by Hallmark ~ kudos. But what DOES my dog have to say, I wonder to myself? ….as if guided by a greeting card angel (Luke Wilson), I flip the card over and see this explanation on the back: “There are many reasons your dog needs to say thanks…to the pet-sitter who treats him like a king; to the bank teller who always remembers his treat; to the neighbor dog who never forgets his birthday; to the veterinarian and office staff who always treat him so gently and lovingly…” Well doggone it – dog’s really DO have a lot to say…HEY! I bet my dog would want to express that in a card too! This is serious FUN!  

Do you think there are a lot of people walking around out there who feel like a little something’s missing at every holiday? Do you think a lot of people have, until now, harbored an unexplained, quiet resentment toward the dogs in their lives because of this?  

“And to think, I spent my whole 22nd birthday silently wondering if Coops had just completely forgotten.”   

“Hey Marty, remember when Grandpa finally kicked it and the condolence cards started rolling in? Not one from our own dog. Like he didn’t have the time to pen a little note. My heart was so heavy.  So, so heavy. Heavy and weary.”   

“That damn dog NEVER says thank you.”  

Cards from dogs have a direct relation to exponential happiness. This village has neither.

 OK – in all seriousness – here’s what I’d really like to see happen. I’d like someone to buy one of those cards and take it to the cash register where it’s revealed to them that as part of a practical joke to teach the fools who fall for that crap a lesson, they now have to send the card to a kid in Sierra Leone or Bangladesh. That’s right…somewhere, months from now, a postal truck is going to finally pull down the dusty dirt road and this kid in Zambia with a distended stomach and a leg falling off will get a real treat. I’m sure it will make his day, as he hobbles back from the mail truck on his one sturdy leg and a crutch fashioned from bits of tin his family’s been collecting for the last 10 years, to open up a card with a lovely sentiment and apology from your dog. “Ru-row – I forgot your birthday” written over an ironic picture of dog in a doghouse. This will have to work until they make the dog greeting card that says, “I wanted to buy you a meal, suitable footwear, a year’s supply of purified water, and your next 6 months of medical care with my $3.50, but all my owners got was this lousy card.” (Ba-dum-bum-CHING!)  

Realistically, my true hope is that someone (right now, the one of you who will ever read this post should be saying, “that’s me!”) will send me one of these immediately – because I’ve always wanted to tear up a card and throw it at someone’s face with as much force as you can throw tiny bits of paper. Simply include your “dog’s” return address and I will track you down so we can share this special moment. I will feel bad afterwards, so as a consolation…I will even bring a pawprint stamp for you. You will piss yourself with excitement – simultaneously proving that the commonalities between humans and dogs stretch past an interest in the card industry, and also that you are one of those people who was secretly waiting for an excuse to buy something from the “From Your Dog” section the whole time. Hey did you see that? Luke Wilson just gave you two peanut-butter covered thumbs up friend.

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One Response to “Promising developments in the age-old dog vs. postman struggle…”
  1. Anonymous says:

    Greetings, I enjoy your blog. This is a cool site and I wanted to post a note to let you know, good job! Thanks Amy

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